*edit: I apologize for the american idol clip, kinda takes away from the song;P it was the first clip I found that had embedding code enabled. I will search for a better clip later tonight, after my crazy weekend day.
As I was driving to pick up my son from youth group tonight, this song came on the radio and it moved me to tears. I have been following a girlfriend's journey through grief on her blog, My Resurfacing. On Halloween, her long awaited baby boy, Callum, died in her womb at 34 weeks. There are just no words to express that kind of grief and how my heart aches for her. She is doing an amazing job of recording her journey and dealing with each emotion in her beautiful writing.
As I have read her story, it has brought my own grief at having had a stillborn baby girl, five years ago, to the surface as well. It is good to be able to see where I am now, and where I was then. And this song just struck me as being so fitting. Even though our babies died, there is no way we would go back and choose to not have borne them. We loved them as they grew in our bellies, and I would not choose to give back a moment of that. I still wish with all my heart that I had been allowed to hold her living in my arms, that I had been able to watch her grow and learn and love these past 5 years. But I am so thankful that I had a chance to carry her and love her if even for a few short months.
I have wasted a lot of time in my life putting things off, because I was so afraid of failure. Afraid of looking foolish. I did not get my driver's license until this spring for just those reasons. And you know what? I did fail the first time. And so I did it again. And it has changed my life in so many ways. Way more than the obvious reasons of being independent and getting around. It taught me that I need to try, to take chances, to put myself out there. And if I fail? Well so what? At least I got to live in the meantime.
That sense of overcoming a fear was part of why I chose to do Nanowrimo last month. I wanted to set a goal and accomplish it, just for the sheer joy of that. And if I didn't make it? Well, I would not have wanted to miss the personal journey my writing took me on, for the world. I learned so much about myself.
God did not put us on this earth to hide our light, as the old Sunday School song said. He wants us to be a shining light in a dark world. If we stumble, if we look foolish, if we are hurt, if we out and out fail? Then we try again. I promise that if you take a chance, build a life, chase a dream, choose to love someone or create a life, that no matter what the outcome, you will be so much better off than if you never tried at all.
God never promised us a perfect, happy life. We live in a world full of bad things as well as good. I sure don't know why bad things happen. But I promise that God is ultimately in control and he hears our prayers even when He doesn't answer us the way we would like. He is there with His great big arms to wrap us up and hold us like children. That image, and the thought that He holds my baby girl in His arms each day, are what get me through when the darkness seems to be closing in around me. I curl up in my God's ample arms and trust that he will see me through just as he always has. I need his strength, because my own is often not enough to get me through the day to day never mind the loss of a child. His love and his strength are always enough.
Anyway by Martina McBride
You can spend your whole life building
something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
that seems so out of reach
and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
Chorus: God is great,
but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray
it doesn’t always turn out
like I think it should
But I do it anyway,
I do it anyway
This world’s gone crazy
and it’s hard to believe
that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone
with all your heart,
for all the right reasons,
and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ‘em anyway
You can pour your soul out
singing a song you believe in
that tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway,
sing it anyway
I sing, I dream, I love, anyway