Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Huh?

Ack, my internet has been down for the last day or so, I can't believe how much I missed it last night. No blogging, no blog surfing, no email... I feel so disconnected...
But it's back, maybe they have fixed some of the issues we have been having, that would be nice. Maybe I will be able to upload pictures again!
I just noticed that I am almost at 300 posts now, wow, I hadn't realized I was on here so much. I think there are a number of entries that are just drafts though. Lots of times I start to write and then feel like I have nothing to say and I just close it. Like today. I have so much to do tonight and it is already 9pm.
I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed, I can't seem to get on top of things. I guess I am trying to do too many things and none of them are getting done well. My house is a shambles almost all the time. My dirty laundry pile is almost as large as my pile of laundry that needs folding. I did make a nutritious meal tonight, but I am now out of produce and milk. Again.
School is happening though. I am even on top of my marking, mostly. I am doing it with them each day, so that works much better. I was so frustrated yesterday with trying to get the boys to stay on task that I ran upstairs to my room to cry. I cried so hard that I now have broken blood vessels under my eyes. Hormones much?
When I put the boys to bed last night, I was still crying (dh and I were arguing as well...) but after we prayed together and I sang Away in a Manger to them (as I have for 14 years now), I told them that I was sorry that we had such a bad day. I then told them that tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start for all of us.
Today we were done school at 11:30 am instead of 4 pm. We did the exact same amount of work. But in the amount of time it should actually take! We even spent some time after lunch doing science, which we hadn't had time to get to for a few days. My 10 year old told me, "Mom, you were right! It is a new day!" He was proud of himself, and I was proud too and extremely thankful. We had a completely different house today.

Dh has decided to sell off his business for now, take a break from the stress and just relax a bit with our family. Today we said good bye to his big truck. I think we were all a bit sad to see it go, my driveway looks so empty now. But it is a good thing. Who can afford to fuel up a monster like that anymore anyway? We are going to replace it with a little car for driving to work, and I can't wait until we do. I hate having to share a vehicle, I am terribly spoiled!

I got to go spend some time with other women tonight to hear about an 'opportunity'. I didn't care what it was for, there were other women there and snacks. I was so gonna be there! The next two days I am really motivated to get school done in the mornings because I have coffee dates in the afternoons with girlfriends. I have been so lonesome that last 2 weeks because no one was going out of their houses with the awful snowstorms we had. I am so thankful that God has sent me some beautiful women to fill my life with support and love and friendship.

Okay, I am done rambling on, I don't think this could have been any more scattered and random. I apologize, I needed the cathartic release. Off to do my homework now.

Monday, April 28, 2008

We Have a Winner!

Well I finally printed off all of your names and pulled a winning entry for my Birthday give-away of a Heritage Makers scrapbook. The winner is.....
Jennifer of Toast on the Ceiling!
Yay Jennifer! Send me an email at mightymorphinmama [at] gmail [dot] com and I will get you all the details.

A number of you expressed interested in learning a bit about scrapbooking and wanting some help getting started. I would love to spend some time with any of you and give you a hand. I don't know a lot about paper scrapbooking, my friend Miss Sniz is the girl to ask about that. But I can definitely point you in the right direction to do some digital scrapbooking. Please let me know if you would like some help getting started.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Lullaby and Goodnight

Tonight I was singing lullabies to my little ones, as I do every night. Girly sings along when I sing Jesus Loves Me, but she says, "we are Greek (should be weak), but you are strong..." Gave me a little secret smile.
They wanted more songs tonight, different than our usuals. Girly wanted songs about heaven, I guess because it was Kalila's sixth birthday yesterday and we have been talking about heaven. She is really stuck on it actually, I have had dozens of conversations with her recently about death and heaven. It is kind of hard because she can't really understand what any of it means, but she wants to know where her big sister is. How do you explain to a 2 year old that she can't see her big sister because she lives in heaven with Jesus. And the only way to get there is to die. I have been doing my best, but yikes!
Anyway, I could only come up with one song about heaven on that short notice, so I told her I would sing another about Jesus. I started to sing:
Jesus,
Name above all names.
Beautiful Savior,
Glorious Lord.
Emmanuel,
God is with us.
Blessed Redeemer,
Living Word.

Two lines in, my Monkey Boy pipes up, "Hey, I know this song!"
I smiled and nodded at him.
"I know it from when I was a baby!"
He is exactly right. When he was a very small baby and he would be up in the middle of the night and crying inconsolably, I was sing that song quietly, over and over again. As much to calm my own spirit as to quiet him.
I have to tell you that I was a little freaked out as well as elated that he remembered that. I am sure I must have sang it around him since, but I honestly can't remember doing it.

Oh, I have to write this down. Every night when I am putting the two of them to bed (they still share a room) they say prayers. When Monkey boy prays he always says, "... and thank you Jesus I love Mommy and Girly..."
And Girly always pipes up right away and says, "Awww, Monkey! You yuv me?" Just as if she had never heard those words before and had no idea that her big brother loves her to pieces. They are adorably great friends.

I have a birthday post for Kalila in the works, but I can't find my journal and I really want to check my post against what I wrote then, so I should have it up later this week.

I also have a post about the winner of my birthday giveaway to put up tonight. I will get it up, I promise!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Mommy's Baby

Today is the last day to enter my birthday give-away. Just leave a comment on this post before midnight tonight and I will draw a winner over the weekend!

I have missed the bloggy world this week, but it was good, I have been feeling a bit burnt out lately. I did collect some cute girlyisms to share though.

I really want to share some photos from Girly's first haircut, but I still can't upload any photos. Not even to flickr, there is something going on with my internet connection. Hopefully I can get it fixed soon.

My Girly loves food. A lot. So much so that she keeps biting her little fingers while trying to stuff some in her mouth. She was in tears 3 or 4 times in one day because she chomped her little piggies. Poor kid, her parents had a really hard time trying not to laugh.

My Girly has been talking about Mommy's 'new baby' a lot. The other day she was sitting on my lap, cuddled up and all of a sudden she sits bolt upright and says, "Mommy I squishin' your baby!"
I told her that it was perfectly okay to cuddle up with mommy's tummy, the baby wasn't squished, it was safe in there.
Then a couple days later she wouldn't come in when we got home and there was snow everywhere. She fell in the snow with no gloves on and she came in crying because her little hands were so very cold. I brought her up to my bed to cuddle and lifted my shirt and told her to put her hands on my tummy to warm up. "No Momma! I don't want to make your baby cold!" So cute!
"It's okay Girly, the baby is safe in Mommy's tummy, it won't get cold."
Now she keeps repeating that to me. "Baby safe in your tummy, Mommy?" and every time I am a bit afraid to answer yes. I do say yes. And then I say a quiet prayer that I am not lying to her. That all is well with the little bean growing in my belly, and will continue to be so.

So looking forward to the weekend and some time to myself, maybe even time for blog catch-up. I had over a thousand unread posts in my reader. Yikes!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Birthday Givaway

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, you guys rock!
In honour of my birthday I am having a give-away. I will be giving away a credit for a 5" x 5" scrapbook album from Heritage Makers. I will even help you put your pages together if you are not a scrapbooker, but Heritage Makers does make it easy for anyone to put together a great storybook.
These books are perfect brag books for Grandparents or of course for yourself. I also love the idea of making one for your child, maybe write a story for the child and illustrate it with photos of themselves. Or take photos of your child holding items that start with each letter of the alphabet and make an ABC book.
So leave me a comment on this post any day up until April 25 at midnight and I will do a draw on Saturday, April 26 for the winner. Then I will set the winner up with their account and help them create their own storybook.
Good luck and happy unbirthday to you:)

Monday, April 21, 2008

A Break

I am taking a few days off of blogging, I have out of town company. See you all soon!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

As I sit here in my living room, listening to my three boys playing Lego Star Wars on their computers, I am watching snow blowing and whirling outside my window. Again. Every time I think spring has arrived, my hopes are dashed by the arrival of another tempest.

These storms seem to mirror the ones within my heart. I spent last night in a complete dither. I allowed myself to get horribly, hysterically, out-of-proportionally upset about a seemingly small thing. You know how sometimes it only takes one small trigger to set off a maelstrom of emotion? Releasing weeks or months or years of frustrations or hurts? These outbursts make me feel like a completely ridiculous, hysterical woman. They make me feel like a failure.

I absolutely loathe being that woman. I try to deal with things as they come along and congratulate myself on being so in touch with my emotions and keeping things fresh and renewed. I like to think that I am mature enough that I don't allow past hurts to colour my present. I am a grown-up, don't you know? I am beyond that sort of thing. Most of the time.

I was hurt last night. I felt neglected and that I was viewed as being unworthy of the love and affection I so craved. This isn't a new feeling, but one that comes and goes with circumstance and resolve. At the time I wanted to feel justified in my hurt, so my heart dug deep to remember all the other times those feelings surfaced. It wasn't that hard to do. It fueled my despair and created a desire to lash out and throw barbs poisoned with remembrances of every slight I had received.

I am ashamed. I made the entire situation impossible. Impossible for me to come out of unscathed. I manufactured a situation where I was sure to be hurt in the same way again, 'proving' that I was right, that I was unloved. Lately I seem to go down this path and be unable to stop myself, my heart is black and blue within my chest and I seem intent on pushing on the bruises, instead of letting love bathe them and heal them.

I realize that a huge part of my extreme emotions are hormonally fueled. I am particularly sensitive to my hormonal fluctuations. I am knocked insensible by them every menstrual cycle and during and after every pregnancy. Maybe that is why I become practically hysterical over some seemingly small thing and am so overwhelmed by circumstance and life.

But I think also that this is a time of great change in our lives and I have always been resistant to change. I realize with my head that the future holds wonderful things, but going through the present and letting go of the past is proving more difficult (although easier in some ways) than I imagined. Parts of me want to hold onto the past, good and the bad as well. But the future cannot come to fruition without letting go. Without forgiving myself my missteps big and small, what should have or could have been. The time for making those choices has past, they were made and now I am here. I have new choices to make, new adventures to embark upon, new dreams to dream and some old dreams to reawaken.

Today I feel amazingly content and calm. When I am feeling hurt I have the need to hang onto that and not let everyone off too easy. I want it to be known that I won't be tread upon any longer. I seem to think that if I forgive too easily, even when the hurt is really my own fault, the other person will feel that it is okay to repeat it.

Well, once I was able to relax a bit this morning and let go and even give a bit of love, I felt so amazingly better. I have been able to just be present to my babies and relish every cuddle and kiss, every word spoken by beautiful little lips, every storybook brought to me by eager hands and ears.

Even with a storm raging outside I feel content in this moment. I want the spring to come, I eagerly await its warmth and promise, but with my Savior's help I can be content even in the middle of a tempest.

And contentment is not something that I have experienced much in my life, I have never allowed it. I do think that I believed contentment to be equal to settling. And settling equal to defeat. And I do not want to settle, I want to strive, I want to soar.
I have always had so many aspirations swirling around in my breast and have always been a bit afraid to let them out into the sunshine to look at them too closely. What if they never come to fruition? What if I try and fail? What if it is impossible? What if I am looked upon with laughter or pity or scorn? What if my partner won't dream with me? What if I am just not good enough? What if I am not enough?
I am not enough. Only God is enough. And he didn't give me a heart filled with dreams so that I can talk myself out of dreaming them and making plans to make them come true. He didn't give me a partner who shared my dreams at one point and then would never dream them with me again. The time may not be now for many of my hopes and aspirations, but the time I am in is now.
I have many good things in my life right now, I have a God-given purpose to fulfill right now. I can be content here and now in fulfilling my purpose to the best of my ability through him. And to make plans for the future without despair and fear of failure. He gives me hope and a place. I am here now. I can be content here, I really can. Why have I not seen this before?

I am so thankful for a place where I can let my heart and mind wander and race, where I can just hammer it all out on my keyboard and watch it unfold before me. It is often so much easier to see through a thing when you can write it all down and follow each thought through. Writing makes it so much easier to be logical somehow, often my head is so clouded with emotion that I can't follow my own thoughts, I just stop thinking.
I keep thinking that one day I will write posts with a plan and purpose, that I will read and edit and make them all logical and grammatically correct, but for now I will keep recording my thoughts and hope that they are not too difficult to follow. And I will one day look back upon my writings and see what a silly girl I was once but how that girl was growing and moving towards something better. Sometimes racing, sometimes crawling, but slowly and surely becoming the woman that God intended her to be.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Where it's at.

The weeks are passing quickly, I am now at the half way point in this pregnancy and all seems to be well. The spring sun is beating down on our home and it feels fabulous, the snow seems to have finished for a while. We had our end-of-year meeting with our home education facilitator yesterday, which was strange because I feel like we are just starting a new thing.

That is how I am spending most of my hours right now. School with the kids, mixed in with appointments. Blogging and blog reading have been relegated to the late evening hours, while the kids are in bed and dh is working.

I feel so much more productive, the kids and I are accomplishing so much more learning and engaging with one another. This morning we had a lively discussion with Daddy about our Bible reading. Lots to be gleaned from Luke 4 where he is talking about the temptation of Christ. Good juicy stuff! I think there is way more learning to be done in a few moments discussing our reading, asking provoking questions, than in weeks of worksheets.

Also on the productive end, we spent Tuesday cleaning house before our facilitator came on Wednesday. Walls, windows, blinds, bookshelves, floors. I felt so darn good about myself by the end of the day! Of course in the daylight I realized I had scrubbed much of the paint off the stairwell walls. Oops. Damn Magic Erasers! Good thing they have yet to be painted. The newly painted walls stood up pretty darn well.

I am finding lots of little moments during the day's teaching to do a bit of reading or play with my little kids, and after we are done for the day or while they are working independently I can grab a cup of tea and relax. I thought I would be giving up all of my 'alone' time, by not taking any during our school hours. But I actually feel like I am getting better, more concentrated moments for myself. And after they are all in bed, my time is my own, it feels positively luxurious.

Of course things like laundry are constantly falling behind, but we are all learning to better fit in little bits of house upkeep into our new schedule. The first week I couldn't seem to keep the house from completely falling apart.

Last night my 10 year old did his green belt testing in Taekwondo. He earned his belt and therefore he will move to the intermediate classes, which are on the same nights as his brother's. This shall free up some time for us and make meal prep easier, at least on the two nights where they have no TKD. Yay!

I know this is a rambling post, as mine usually are, sometimes I just need to get a bunch of stuff written down. Maybe one day I will really write!

Don't forget to enter my Heritage Maker's birthday giveaway!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Perfect way to start the day

A latte and a chat with a friend.
My girlfriend from college, who was my maid of honour at my wedding, met me for coffee this morning. It was so nice to just sit and relax in the quiet of the coffee house, with another adult. No kids in sight, except for the ones in our bellies!

We are both pregnant and due at the exact same time. Both of our ultrasound due dates are September 1.

I am so thankful for my relationship with D. We met probably on the first day of college and we clicked right away. We probably spent more time with each other than anyone else. Until Dh and I started really dating. I was a totally sucky friend and immersed myself in the boyfriend and blew off my friends more than once. I still feel bad about that. I also helped set her up with a guy who was totally wrong for her. Bad friend! She did meet her future husband in spite of my meddling, they started dating after the year was done.

The following summer though, there was no one I wanted to stand with me more than D. She graciously agreed and helped make my day so very special.

We lived in separate cities after that. Hubby and I moved back to my hometown and D stayed in the city. Every time we would come to the city to shop or visit, us girls would try to get together and it was always so comfortable to be around her. I was one of her 3 pregnant bridesmaids at her wedding and she introduced me to the wonders of specialty coffee.

As the years have passed, we have lived far away and we have lived close. We have never seen each other on a completely regular basis, but every time we come together it is like we have never been apart. We are always able to share our hearts and our lives freely and openly.

Now we live only a couple of neighbourhoods apart, we both are mothers and wives and now we are pregnant together. I hope we have many more coffee mornings, it was exactly the break I needed with exactly the person I wanted to be with.

Love you D. Thanks for making my day.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Happy Sad day

You are all way too sweet! I have so appreciated reading all your lovely birthday wishes. Thank you so much.

My birthday was totally strange. It was a wonderful day spent with my family, and I was excited to have my special day and my new age. But I spent the entire day in tears. Just random, weird, tears.

Hormones!

My little Monkey boy was so excited for it to be my birthday, he spent the entire day whining to me that he needed some help to make my cake. I kept telling him to talk to his brothers since they wanted to do it with him. They didn't find time til about 7pm. Poor Monkey. Poor Mommy's brain from the constant whining. By the time it was iced, we didn't even cut into it, we were all exhausted and in our beds!

My Girly was also kind of whiny, but I tried to enjoy my quiet time with them and trying to keep the preschoolers from each other's throats.

Thankfully it was warm out, so they all spent time outside.

Dh is working 12 hour nights, no days off, so he slept through the whole day til about 3:30pm. I think a big part of my sadness was missing him. Wanting to share my day as well as the child rearing responsibilities with my husband. I find night shift even more difficult than working out of town. He is right in the house with us all day, but he can't participate in our day. And then he is gone during he difficult hours of dinner and bed. I am so thankful that he is in town though, and I can go sneak a cuddle with him for a few minutes during the day. Until the kids find me. Poor Daddy!

For dinner we did make it to the park. It was over 20 degrees Celcius, (70 F), gorgeous and sunny. We picked up all the requisite picnic items and cooked our meal over the open fire. It was a perfect way to begin spring. And exactly what I wanted to do for my birthday. The kids ran around in the woods, getting good and muddy and picking up thistles in their hair. The boys had a snowball fight with their Dad who was wearing shorts, unfortunately. They had found a big patch of unmelted snow.

We even got to have our s'mores! I realized that as an adult, 1 s'more is more than enough. Holy sugar batman!

Dh went into work late, so he could put the kids to bed for me. (it had nothing to do with me crumpling into a sobbing heap the minute we got back in the door. Life seems a bit overwhelming at times!) I so appreciated it, but I couldn't stop crying long enough to say a cheery good bye to him. I feel awful because every time he called, all night, I ended up in tears. Poor guy, I think he felt pretty awful that he couldn't help me feel better.

I honestly had a wonderful day, I loved every moment with my family, I really don't know why I was weepy. I just was. And by the next day I was fine again. I am all good now. I got up on Sunday, taught Sunday School on my own, smiling and laughing with the kids. Brent's family took me out for lunch and I chattered and laughed with them, even though Brent was home sleeping. Terrific birthday weekend.

Don't forget to scroll down and enter my birthday giveaway of a Heritage Makers storybook.

Friday, April 11, 2008

It's My Birthday!

Saturday is my birthday! I will be 33, I can hardly believe how quickly the last few years have flown by. Having babies kinda does that to you. Funny, I don't feel the least bit sad at being another year older. I am in a much better place in so many areas of my life than I was a year ago. I will be relieved to let go of 32. I think I may actually be growing up (a little). Finally!

For me, a big bonus of being in my thirties is that I am finally old enough to be a mom. It was not easy for me to be a 25 year old, who looked 18 and be the mother of a 6 and 3 year olds. People either thought I was the baby sitter, or looked down their noses at me for being one of 'those' girls who got knocked up as a teen, or I had women 20 years older than me asking me for parenting advice. I appreciated those women the most. They took the time to get to know me and my children and recognized that my kids were pretty amazing and I was an intelligent, thoughtful woman who had something to offer.

There are not a lot of women of my generation who had kids as young as I, or who got married as young as I did either. It wasn't really part of my plan. Mine was to finish my undergrad, start my postgraduate studies, get married, finish school, work, and then start having babies at about 30. Reality was to go to one year of college, get married, have a baby and stay home for a couple of years. Work and get pregnant again, stay home for a few more years. Send my kids off to school and start thumbing through University catalogues and get pregnant again! Then I brought my kids home to school and had 2 more babies. This year I was going to start my degree by correspondence and then I got preggo again!

Now my plan is to raise my kids and keep my brain fresh and stimulated informally. (I am learning Latin right now and refreshing my French) When they are at an age where they don't need so much of my time, then I will think about University again. Maybe. Honestly, I am learning so much more while teaching them, than I did in college. And I get to study whatever I like! My main motivation for a degree at this point is to model that for my kids. I want them to value education and love to learn as much as I do.

At 32 and 364 days, I still have women say to me, "You have four kids??? You look way too young!" Now I love those comments;) Because honestly, I totally look my age now. I think I aged 10 years between 28 and 30. I went from looking 18 to looking 30, and that is just fine with me. I hope I still feel that way in 10 years or in 20 years.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow, to just hanging out with my kids and Brent. He is still working 12 hour nights, but he is hoping to get home early in the morning so he can get up earlier and we can do something. I am thinking a nice hike through the river valley and then maybe a cook out. Cook outs are one of my all time favourite activities, nothing like hot dogs burned over an open fire. OOH and S'mores! Yum! Maybe I will get lucky and my kids will bake a cake for me again, last year's was yummy.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and when you drop by, I would love to hear some of your thoughts on getting older.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

My first try at Haiku!

Boys always laughing
Girly talking and screaching
Life never quiet

Head pounding wildly
Ears ringing and mind whirling
Need a moment's peace

Now it's eight o'clock
Winkin' Blinkin' and Nod sail
On the misty sea

My favourite time
Tranquility envelops
Golden twilight hours

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

So my husband is working nights this month. I have been trying to keep the kids quiet, but we all know how well that goes over. Both yesterday and today, Girly has spent at least an hour screaming. Today, Daddy was smart and put in his ear plugs right away.

We have been refocusing on our academics here at the Mighty home school and I am re-engaging with the boys. Yesterday we spent the day housecleaning and organizing their books, today we have managed to get more book work done in 2 hours than in eight, any day of the last month. I have learned that I can`t spend my mornings blogging if I want my kids to actually do anything. Strange, hey?

In response to our renewed commitment to academics, the littles have chosen to spend their mornings running, screaming, crying, jumping on us and throwing things at us. It can be a little difficult to concentrate. Girly sat on my lap and cried all the way through our Latin recitation. fun. Now she is trying to erase a Bible, while pretending to be a sumo wrestler in her brother's sparring gear.

I may be back with a real post later, if we ever get through this day.

Oh! Blogger is making me crazy, I can only get html view in my creating posts area, I can't upload photos (haven't been able to for weeks), and my blog reader is not working. It is completely blank! I have been freaking out. So if I don't get to visit you today (tonight) that is why. Talk at y'all later.

Monday, April 07, 2008

A New Week

The new week has already brought blessings to our family and though the coming weeks hold many difficult decisions, I know that we will be okay. God is looking out for us. Thank you all for your prayers and encouraging words, I need them more than you know. I thought that I should let you know that we are all healthy, including baby. Our struggles are more on the business, financial and personal/interpersonal growth side of things.

I was thinking last week about all the changes that children bring to our lives. Including the words that come out of our mouths. Some words I never thought I would string together: "Girly, you're gonna need more than panties and fancy shoes!"
She wanted to go outside and play so she had grabbed her purple, princess shoes and was begging me to put them on her as she stood before me in just her panties. It was cold and miserable out. Funny girl.
Later that day I said, "Why are you copping a squat in my shower?!" There she was, squatting in my shower, having a poop. She had peed in the potty and then moved to the shower stall, shut the door and done her thing. I am not sure if she got scared to poo or what.
On Saturday we took them to a birthday party for a good friend. They had a grand time and Girly had no trouble keeping up with all the bigger kids and the games. Girly wore a little purple tutu and a t-shirt that said 'Tiaras make you taller.' She looked adorable as usual, but was not dressed for outdoor play. It had snowed all night and we had a good couple of inches on the ground even though it had been melting most of the day.
When we got home, after she had spilled hot chocolate all down herself while I stopped in to get some maternity clothes, she really wanted to play outdoors. We told her to come in and get changed and put on her boots and ski pants. Well, she took off in her little tutu and shoes, wading deep into the snow. She must have run around out there for half an hour before we coaxed her inside. She took off her coat and laid in the snow to make snow angels, rode bikes in the slush, and threw snow at her brothers who were trying to get her to come in. Eventually we gave up and tried to get some pictures before she got cold and brought her tushy back inside.
She is one tough Arctic Princess!

Friday, April 04, 2008

Breaking Point

There are a lot of things in my personal life that I don't touch on here. I just don't feel comfortable with my whole life out there on the internet, even though there are many of you that I would share with in a heartbeat.
I say that to say that there are a lot of personal struggles we are going through at the moment. It seems to be one of those times when God has something he really wants us to get, and apparently we are slow learners. It feels like we are being brought to our knees in so many areas.
We have been through hard times before, many. And God has always brought us through. He will bring us through this time too, I know this with all my heart. Yesterday was a day that broke us in a way that I haven't experienced since the loss of my daughter.
Now the experiences are completely different and I don't think any sorrow or heartbreak compares to the loss of a child, but this time in our lives could be almost as crippling. But I don't feel crippled. I feel relieved.
I feel overwhelming relief, because I feel like God is in control. Instead of us scrambling to maintain control of our crazy life, we have had to just let go. We have done everything in our power and now there is nothing left for us to do.
It's all you God.
I truly wish that we would have just let go and let God, many months or years ago. Maybe we would not be where we are now. But we have made the choices that have brought us to this place. Unfortunately.
A lot of this part of our struggle has been my partner's, it has been much harder on him. And I have felt resentment and anger growing in my heart towards him for some time. (I have done plenty of damage on my own that I am dealing with.) I feel like that those horrid emotions have been washed from my heart today. I feel ready and eager to support my husband in this period of hard choices. And I am looking forward to the day that is coming soon, filled with healing and renewal. A journey that we are on together, lifting each other up, encouraging one another and building a new thing in Christ.
This song is touching my heart and I am hoping that my husband hears it today and knows that his God is running towards him with open arms, shouting, "Son, my precious son."


Thursday, April 03, 2008

What was lost, is found.

Okay, today I feel like I have officially arrived as a blogger. You all tagged me 'MMM' in your comments! I felt so honoured, like I got to sit with the cool kids for the day. I have a cool nickname! Woohoo!

And I knew I could count on you all to talk some sense into me. I know better than to google. I really do. But I do have to say that educating myself makes me feel more in control or something. I like to know all the possibilities, but then I have to make myself focus on the positive.

A big woohoo also goes to my husband. He found bear today. Unfortunately it was after nap time (which she wouldn't take). Bear was in the refrigerator, hiding in the crisper, thankfully he was not on his way to the lake Shay! We didn't find her because both the 5 lb bag of apples and the strawberries I bought yesterday never made it that far.
So although she was totally miserable at bed time, Girly actually settled right down and went right to sleep. Thank you God!

Cool Monkey boy news! He read a book today, all by himself and was so very proud. The book was called Yo! Yes? by Chris Raschka. Mama is proud too.

What a glorious walk we had today, soaking in the sun. Monkey rode his bike and even Daddy came. It is funny, I have been feeling so tired and sometimes weak while in the house. But as soon as I am outside I feel like running and jumping and my tired goes away. I am so thankful for warmer weather, melting snow and sunshine. Spring!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Monkey and my birthday

No, I haven't found bear yet and they both kept getting up and she took off her diaper and they needed to pee, like eighty time and i am feeling a bit frazzled and at nap today she didn't sleep she just took off the diaper she begged me to put on her for nap and she ripped it up into dozens of pieces and then peed in her bed.
ugh

So the other day, I mentioned to Monkey Boy that it was my birthday in two weeks. So he started talking about having a party for me, a surprise party. And making a cake. (which he and his brothers did last year) and then he remembered. Presents! "I have to get you a present Mom!"
I told him that I would love it if he drew me a picture, those are my favourite presents ever!
"I know Mom, we can get you some bras! In your size!"
Boy does he pay attention. Every time I get dressed, I have been complaining to my dh that all my bras are too small or broken now. And all my clothes are too tight or my shirts are short. I really need some maternity clothes!
So I guess my little Monkey is really attentive to his Mama. He had to repeat that again yesterday at dinner. He told my Dad that I needed bras for my birthday. After I opened my hard drive. Nice.:)
I kinda hope they do get me some bras, at least a gift certificate to a really good lingerie store so I can go find something...

Oh and can you guys remind me to stay away from the google! I had to look up the low-lying placenta thing. ugh. placental separation, hemorrhage, premature labour, bed rest, cesareans....
I did not need to go read all of that! But I am fine, I realize that 90% of the time the placenta moves up with the uterus. Everything should be fine. I am trusting that it will be. I. am. fine. really.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Help!

I can't find bear!!! Help! She won't stop yelling from her bed and she is making her brother so mad and frustrated! Send me some bear finding vibes, please!

Baby Incubating

I had an early start this morning, I had to leave to take my Dad to the airport at 6:30 am, so I didn't sleep much past 5. I tend to not sleep well when I have to wake up to an alarm. I have really gotten used to being an at-home mom! I was up every hour, so I am feeling a bit sleepy already.
I did have a great Doctor's appointment this morning. I got to see one of my favorite Doctors in the practice, which was nice, since she had to do my physical. She is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met and she sure found her calling as a doctor. She even put her arm around me as I cried and explained my fears to her. I hate it when I cry there, but she was super.
I have another ultrasound booked for a month from now, I guess they couldn't see one part of the heart very well and my placenta is low, only 1cm from the cervical opening. She told me that usually the placenta moves up with the uterus as it grows, so I am hoping for that. Surprisingly, her news did not make me feel more worried. I just felt like, 'Oh, if it doesn't move up then they will schedule a c-section.' no biggie.
Oh! I got to hear the baby's heartbeat, which, as always, brought the tears.
So, good appointment, left feeling better rather than worse. We had some laughs at how crazy my life will be, how crazy it is already.

I got an early birthday present last night. My dad bought me a new external hard drive! I have been needing one for months, my old one is on its last legs and I am super paranoid about losing my photos, my novel, and my scrapbook stuff. So that is what I did last night, backed up this computer, while my Dad spent hours trying to trouble shoot my other computer. It completely crashed, I don't even have windows on it right now. I used to use it all the time, but since I got my laptop, just the little kids use it. I can't be sure that I have all my scrapbook layouts saved elsewhere and I am hesitant to just let him wipe the hard drive. Next time he comes, Dad is gonna bring a thing that will allow me to take out my hard drive and take what I want off of it, and then he can re-install windows for me. My Dad rocks! It is awesome having a computer geek in the family.

I will come visit all my bloggy friends in the evenings this week, I am going to try and get stuff done and be with my kids during the day. We are on our way to the library right now and they are going to bring a friend home with them after. They are enjoying their break. The boys were next door at their friends last night, having a chess tournament. They did not want to come home at 9, at all. But I wanted them in bed, so I could go to bed! I need my sleep.

Happy Home Education week! In honour of this week, I am participating in a week of sharing about our home school experiences on Learning and Growing from Home. I also have some new layouts up at Immortality Art
K, I lied about the layouts, apparently I still can't upload photos. It is making me crazy! So I just have one cute layout of my niece up there. But she is gorgeous so take a look:)