Playtime.

I was weary today, and didn't really feel like doing anything, never mind playing make believe while I was trying to cook. But my almost 8 year old Girly and her 2.5 year old Sunny sidekick were in costume and knocking at the kitchen entrance, pretending to be trick or treaters. What was I supposed to do?

I grudgingly answered the door and handed out pretend treats, then retreated back to the stove. Seconds later, they arrived at the other side of the kitchen, knocking at the entrance. So over I went, 'pretending' to be a grumpy person, irritated at trick or treaters. My sweet kids giggled. By the third knock at the door, I was ready to enter their make believe.

Each knock was answered by a different character. There was the funny woman with the accent, the giant who was relieved the kids weren't there to play tricks on him and had a treasure chest of candy to share. There was the 'gangsta', the little old lady, and the sheltered princess who had never eaten candy or been trick or treating.

She was invited along for the fun, dressed as what else, but a princess. She was well loved by the Halloweeners and ended up having her first sleepover complete with movies and soda!

Imaginary play is not something that I think of myself as doing well. I am often way to immersed in the drudgery of the real world to allow myself to be caught up in their play. But we had fun, even if it was soon interrupted by dinner. And my daughter was so pleased to be my playmate.

PS: These photos are wishful thinking. We do not have green grass yet. We finally got rid of the snow in the last week! These shots are from last spring, boy have my sweeties grown!

Weary

As I step outside, I am rendered momentarily blind by the dazzling light, reflected off of the fresh snow. The sky so stunningly blue, I can barely look at it. I quickly grab my shades off of my head (where they act as a headband for my unruly mop of hair) and plunk them on my nose, instantly releasing a sigh of relief.
Oh, glorious sunshine. Spring in the North! I don't know that the sun is ever as bright, anywhere else on earth.
Even that spring sunshine is barely making a dent in the bone-deep weariness that has overtaken me. Winter has been long. By Halloween, we had cold and snow. Then more and more and more snow. Then, we had a gorgeous February, the world was alive with hope of the end. But it was a false, temporal hope. March roared in like a lion and he keeps rearing his ugly head.
Yesterday was very emotional, something shattered my dented hope, and I reacted with volatile anger, rather than grace. I am defeated and ashamed. I feel powerless in my situation and have lost my perspective. But these are just feelings. Feelings that are temporary. My hope is not in the temporal, but in the eternal. There is a pinhole in the shroud of my weariness, and through it I can glimpse hope. Glorious hope. Redemption, forgiveness, the relinquishing of my burdens to one far better equipped to carry them. And he wants to. Carry my burdens, I mean. He tells me so, over and over again. I can be thick-headed at times. (Usually.) But I can hear him still. "Let me carry that for you. My shoulders are strong. Come on, give it up! What are you going to do with that garbage, it is weighing you down. You can't live in my freedom, rest in my grace, rise on my wings while carrying that stuff. My daughter! Give me your worries, your shame, your fear. Let me release you of their shackles so you can get on with the important stuff. Living out my love. Sharing of grace. Peaceful rest. Victorious, fearless, abundant life!"
I am trying to let go. Trying to breath deeply, release the tight pain in my face and neck and shoulders. I am trying so hard!
That isn't how it works though, is it. It isn't in the trying. Striving is just another way of hanging on. Doing it myself...
It is in surrender.
So I need to learn to surrender. What does that look like? I can't envision it right now. Oh God, show me!


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Blessed am I.

February 17, 2013

37. Eternity. Pastor B was speaking from 1 Peter 4 today, and talking about eternity. My heart did a little lurch. I thought of how, as a parent and as a person, if I have goals set in eternity,  does that change what I am doing each day? Yes! It should! I need that perspective shift. May it be so.

38. Pastor B and his heart for people. He never comes across as pretentious or judgey. He leads with the hearts of the people in his. As Christ does.

39. My mother-in-law sitting in church with us this morning. Pink in her cheeks and a smile on her lips. Thank you God!

40. My oldest son asking for his one-on-one time with me. Can't wait to spend some time with him, that is all about him.

I am blessed.

About a year ago, a friend introduced me to Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts, a challenge to recognize and celebrate all of God's gifts in your life. I recorded 20 gifts and then kind of kept putting off the writing of my gifts. ahh, procrastination, my nemesis...
Anyhoo...
Here are my gifts today:

21. A little girl who is so very thrilled to spend tonight with her Daddy.
22. A husband, who is such an amazing father that he recognizes the need to treat his daughter as a princess, to take her to the Daddy/Daughter Ball, and to even fill her request to get a tie that matches her dress.
23. A daughter who notices things like 'men should wear a tie that matches their date's dress'
24. A wee boy who yells, "HUG!" as Daddy is putting him to bed for his nap, and then he wraps his wee, darling arms around my neck, squeezing me in the most precious embrace.
24. Teenagers who still laugh and wrestle with their Dad and want their mama to hug them and rub their backs.
25. My husband's job where he is off work at 2:30pm, the same time the teens are done school.
26. 2 afternoons this week, spent sitting in the living room, in the sun, chatting with my teenaged boys and their father, while the younger siblings drifted in and out, gifting us with cuddles and their play.
27. Peaceful littles during our homeschool/Classical Conversations morning. Last week they were chaotic, so it was an extra gift.
28. Lovely, Christian, praying and also home educating friends.
29. My mother-in-law was fine, even though she had a missed bleed after her angiogram
30. Listening to and marvelling at my 2 year old's developing speech. super sweet!
31. My husband teaching our four year old to count higher.
32. Knowing that there are 3 more days in our weekend!
33. The joy and fear of learning new choir music for our Easter choir. I don't think I found one right note on Tuesday, but the music and fellowship are gorgeous and I know that it will all come together!
34. The encouragement I have already found in our studying of 1 Peter. The challenge too!
35. Our home. I have felt discouraged and frustrated at the mess it is currently in. But it is ours. And we are healthy and strong and able to clean and improve it! And we have lots of time this weekend too.
36. The inventiveness and creativity of my eldest son. And the time my husband took to help him bring his creation to life, in metal! They welded a DNA model for B's bio class. 

The post in which I whine...

Today is one of those days. One in which I know that the only way I will get through is by the grace and strength I find in my God. One that started way too early with a little boy who had wet his bed. Then he wet his bed again. Then he wet my bed. Then my toddler wet through his diaper, all over his bed.
I knew by the second wet bed that there was little hope of getting enough rest to rid myself of the headache that has been sitting above my right eyeball for 13 days. Or for the flu that has been making me ache and moan for 5 days or so, to leave. I laid in bed, next to the wet, wee boy and the giant wet spot, praying, "God, please let us all sleep just a wee bit more. Please. Sleep."
The little boy, who kept wetting the bed, also has the flu (as does Daddy). He is feverish and whiny, extremely whiny. My newly preteen boy, has a newly minted attitude problem to go with his new potty humour fetish. So our school day has been full of whining and eye rolling and arm folding. (and a few inappropriate body part references...)

Brent called from work, right in the middle of the chaos. After making a few sympathetic noises, he made the little chuckle that I know means that he is very thankful to be at work, and not dealing with the chaos. I whimpered through the phone, "Please come and save me..."
Brent laughed and said, "If I am coming home, I am bringing my man cold with me."
I had to laugh. I know what that means. He goes to bed until he feels better and I still deal with the rest. Funny only because we both know it to be true.

Don't get me wrong, he is an awesome partner and co-parent. He has been trying really hard to let me rest and feel better, he took over all weekend. He is a very active parent, he shares in the cooking, shopping and cleaning. Usually. And he can suck it up and work hard, even when he is very sick. But if he gets sick and has the luxury of being home, well, we don't see him again until he is well. He is smart like that. If only we were all so smart as to get man colds. Instead of lingering martyr/mother illnesses, which stick around because either we can't get enough rest to get well, or they keep getting passed back and forth between us and our boogery faced children.

Silly mama. I think that as soon as I finish the 5 loads of bedding I have to wash today, I will curl up with one of my sickies (and my freshly laundered duvet) and take a nap.

PS: It is not all bad. My previously bickering and whining children, took over the iPad to finish their memory work while I was on the phone and are now all sitting together watching some Brain Pop and getting along while I hide type. And I barely feel guilty, because it is educational.
Now to go make some KD for lunch, which I won't feel guilty about either. My husband picked that and a bunch of fruit and yogurt up (all favourites) for us this week, to make things easier for me!

eek!

As I was typing that, I heard the telltale, "click, click, click," of the ignitor on my gas stove. I ran downstairs to find the 2 year old, ripping open a box of KD and trying to start the stove. Apparently he was not content to wait for me to feed him.

Now that I wrote all that down, I feel surprisingly better. Ready to go and cope with the rest of the day. I think I will let the kids do their UB David and I'll B Jonathan Bible studies on the computers this afternoon, while hopefully the 2 small kids nap and I rest. Maybe I will even get out the tea things and the poetry and art books for a tea time with them. Maybe...

A Life.

My heart is filled with gratitude and joy today. Not for a specific reason, I think mostly because I have been choosing to do rather than to endure.
I had been rather down and mopey the last week or two. Circumstances and worry were weighing on my heart, and instead of giving all to God and resting in him, I was churning it all over and over again.
On Saturday, I pulled myself out of the mire a bit. My husband's school was having a street party for the employee's families, and even though my husband was out doing field work, I took the kids to the party.
Now this sort of thing is not my scene. I would happily stay home while my husband took the kids. I do not enjoy crowds, I get very anxious, and the noise overwhelms my senses. I am in continual fear of losing sight of the kids. I do not do well. So I surprised myself by taking them. And I surprised even my husband by having a fantastic time. I was gushing about it to him later. It was so very well executed. There was lots of space and lots to do and eat. We never had to wait in line, and we all had a complete blast. So weird!
Sunday morning we went to church and the worship service was full of exactly what I needed to hear. I raised my prayer of trust and worship and casting my cares upon him who is big enough to care for them all. When we got home, I actually picked up the phone and called a dear friend. I spent a few hours with her sipping tea and sharing and laughing. By the time I got back in my car, I felt like a brand new being. Oh the joy that comes of the twining of two woman-souls.
I was so refreshed, as well as bolstered by my experience on Saturday, that I decided that I should take the kids to the spray park and then have a wiener roast afterwards. So we did. Now the spray park was torture for me. I kept losing sight of my 3 year old and Sunshine kept falling and hurting himself. But the kids enjoyed it and we kept it short so that we could meet Daddy for our cookout.
We so enjoyed each other's company and a long, restful evening.
Monday was even better. Brent's first day back at NAIT! I drove him to work in the morning and we got to spend some time together, sipping our coffee and just being together. His NAIT job is so incredible for our family, because he gets to spend so much time with us. His hours are perfect. After I picked him up in the afternoon, we went to get our second born from his first high school football practice. The kids played in the park while we watched Superboy with his peers.
I will admit to being a bit choked up after I dropped him off in the morning. Our boy has been home educated since kindergarten, so full time school will be a huge adjustment. But one that we are all embracing with anticipation.
Yesterday was our 18th wedding anniversary, and even though we couldn't afford to give lavish gifts and go out to dinner, we had a beautiful evening with our family, barbecuing and just being together. Appreciating the life that we have been blessed with and grateful that God has been the glue that has kept our family whole. I love my life. 

Win/Loss Parenting

This is a post I wrote early this spring, but never published. I think it still fits my life!

Sometimes I feel like my life as a parent is like a win/fail balance sheet

Successfully bribed toddler with gum to pee on the potty again - win

Picked 15 pieces of gum off of my floors yesterday and one out of said toddler's hair today - fail

Fed the kids healthy, well-balanced meals and snacks today - win

Got started on school by 8:30 am and was mostly done by 10:30 am - win

Continually nagged and got impatient with middles who could not seem to settle into their bookwork - fail

Started making lapbooks with timelines for our Ancient Rome studies - win

Ignored baby's chatting with me while he ate so that I could finish making timeline - fail

Took out my frustration with some grown-up troubles by being angry when one of my middles broke a little mirror - major fail
(my views on spills and accidental broken items is usually pretty philosophical. "Let's clean that up together...")

Possibly having to disappoint my kids and myself by not being able to afford to do something this week that we have been looking forward to for a month - fail

Watching my lovely son reading while doing the dishes and being able to appreciate his beauty, his love of reading and learning, and his multi-tasking abilities, rather than nagging him - win

Not being able to take the kids to the gym as planned - fail

Made sure that I sang lullabies to my sweethearts at the end of the day rather than hiding in my room - win

Sometimes my mind is filled with my failures and my heart is heavy, and then I have to remind myself that I am human and I fail, but God is greater than all my shortcomings. He loves me and my children more than I could fathom. And he covers over my mistakes with his love. I am blessed beyond measure.

Weekend Vacay

EEE! I am so excited! Today we get to pick up our 17 year old, aka The Boy, at the airport. He has been in Mexico for the past week or so, volunteering with some of his youth group at a mission.
I was more than a little emotional as I said goodbye to him last week, not so much because of his trip, (he had gone to the same mission last year) but because I wasn't going to be here to say goodbye to him and take him to the airport. But he made it away safely, with the help of some wonderful friends and now, thank God, is on his way back to us.
We weren't home last weekend because we were on a mini vacay to Lethbridge for the Alberta Summer Games. Our 14 year old earned a spot on the Edmonton Elite to play football for our city at the games. It was so thrilling to watch him go through the whole process and even more so to watch him play!
They won their first 2 games easily, then went up against their rivals in Calgary and lost 13 - zip. That was a hard loss, it meant that weren't going to go to the gold medal game. And, come on, it was to Calgary!
They came back strong on Sunday morning and came away with the bronze against zone 5, which is the cities surrounding ours. He will be going to high school in one of those communities, so we were really hoping that Edmonton would pull off the win!

We had a wonderful weekend, hanging out with our littler 4, watching Superboy and some of his friends compete in the games, cheering on one of them as he ran track and screaming ourselves hoarse at football. We stopped at a lake on the way home and splashed with the kids and just enjoyed their company. So thankful that we got to go and experience that with our boy.

4 Eyes

My little Sunshine is 21 months old and a complete ham. He keeps putting on these glasses frames and posing for me. I think he looks flipping adorable.
Just now, I caught him running around naked, holding his penis and saying, "psssss!" at everyone. Boys. He also loves to stop nursing, point his wee finger guns and me and make machine gun sounds.

Sunshine is also a mimic. He is constantly copying my intonations. I realize that I use a sing-song voice a lot and he is always mimicking my sounds and often the words too. Like the other day when he discovered my eyebrows! He stroked them and said, clear as day, "Eye-bow," in the exact tune that I had said it.

Lately, he has been saying my name just like a teenager, "Mo-om!" It is kinda cute, but a wee bit annoying when your toddler sounds irritated with you all the time.

My favourite thing about my almost 2 Sunshine are his hugs. He wraps his arms around my neck, settles his entire being into me and squeezes with all his might. He holds on for an extra long time, way longer than you expect for a toddler, making the embrace even sweeter. 

My Sunshine is full of energy, loves and mischief. He fills my life with sunlight and snuggles. Love!

Front Row Seat

I posted one of Ezra's funny sayings on my facebook last night and this was my Mom's response:
"That brilliant little man, what wonderful role you have Kristen, you get to be surrounded everyday with the truisms, the growing sense of humor, the questions, the declarations of developing little geniuses. Where else on this globe could you find such a pivotal place in the progress of the world toward something better, greater and more inspiring. Have a wonderful day as you help create the future!!!!"
Where else, indeed? What a blessed woman I am, in such a wondrous place, surrounded by those I love best, adored and loved on. And what power I yield, to mold and shape and guide. I need to be always aware of that and careful as to how I use each moment. God, let me be your hands, your mouth, your love to these precious, small people that you have entrusted to my care.

Brain Pain

Little Zed, who is almost 4, keeps me on my toes. The stuff that comes out of his mouth causes me to stifle giggles or my jaw to drop, each and every day.
Today, he told me, while tapping his temple, that his mind just wasn't working properly. I tried to pry some more information from him, but he just repeated that his brain wasn't working properly.

I have been perplexed ever since. What DID he mean by that?!

24/7 My Beautiful/Crazy and Fleeting Days

Get up.
Do laundry.
Make food. For 8.
Get ready.
Do laundry.
Get in the car.
Drive a kid to an appointment.
Get back in the car.
Drive home.
Make some food. For 8.
Do laundry.
Teach some school.
Pray for patience.
Try to clean something.
Do laundry.
Make some food.
Pray for patience.
Drive a kid somewhere.
Drive home.
Do some laundry.
Make some food.
Kiss husband hello and goodbye.
Drive 2 or 3 kids to different places at the same time, hauling grumpy toddlers.
Watch sports. Chase grumpy toddlers. Take photos. Listen to whining about food.
Pray for patience.
Drive home.
Make some food.
Do laundry.
Wash children.
Brush teeth.
Read stories.
Try not to fall asleep while reading.
Pray with said children.
Listen to them pray. (Listening to your preschooler blessing his siblings and their friends is so precious!)
Sing lullabies. (all bedtime is done while being screamed at by grumpy toddler)
Distribute bedtime kisses.
Receive bedtime kisses.
Nurse squirmy toddler.
Put yelling toddler in crib.
Put child back to bed.
Pray for patience.
Put child back to bed.
Put child back to bed.
Pray for forgiveness for losing patience.
Do laundry.
Put child back to bed.
Drive somewhere to pick up a child.
Pray that I won't fall asleep while driving.
Drive home, picking up something at the store.
Put child back to bed.
Do laundry.
Try to clean something.
Stare comatose at computer or book.
Pass out with the light still on.
Nurse toddler.
Leave soaking wet preschooler in my bed snoring.
Put on dry pajamas.
Crawl into preschooler's dry bed and try to hang on to a few more precious minutes of sleep.
Listen to toddler yelling from bed, pretending to not hear him.
Give it up.
Do laundry.

1000 Gifts 13-20

13. The spring sunshine.
14. That Superboy got to go to 3 months of intense football training.
15. That football training is over and we have no where to go tonight.
16. Supper is all prepared and ready to go.
17. My husband is home from work.
18. My husband's job and it's awesome hours.
19. Seeing my mom this weekend.
20. Getting to try some amazing Thai food with her and her friend.

1000 Gifts 1-12

I give thanks for:
1. My heavenly Father.
2. His son and my savior, Jesus
3. My comforter and mighty power, the Holy Spirit
4. My husband.
5. My eldest son B.
6. My second son R.
7. My first daughter, Kalila, who is resting in my Father's arms.
8. My third son J.
9. My second daughter, A.
10. My fourth son, E.
11. My fifth son, S.
12. A healthy family.

Husband 2 Wife 0

My husband is often very thoughtful. This weekend, when I was having a particularly grumpy and irritable day, he came home with a dozen tulips for me. I love tulips. They give me immense joy and he knows me well enough to know that. I am not a red roses kind of girl. I am a tulip girl. I love that he knows me.
One thing that you may not know about me is that when I am feeling grumpy, and I am grumpy with you, I don't want you to be nice to me. It makes me feel resentful. Because I am not ready to let go of being mad and when you are nice to me, then I feel guilty for being such a grump and then I can't stay angry because then I would be indulging in bitterness and unforgiveness. I am pretty sure that my husband also knows this about me and that makes him a pretty smart guy.
So, I pouted for half an hour before opening the flowers and putting them in the vase, and another 2 minutes before forgiving and kissing and thanking. That makes me feel ashamed, but there it is.
Today, my very thoughtful husband called me up on his way home from work to invite me to have a latte date with him. I refused because all the latte money in our budget has been spent... But he told me that he had received a Starbucks gift card and instead of saving it to use at work, he wanted to share it with me. Love that guy! We had a lovely, grown up talk and coffee before returning to our evening duties, such a fantastic break.