Saturday, April 19, 2008

As I sit here in my living room, listening to my three boys playing Lego Star Wars on their computers, I am watching snow blowing and whirling outside my window. Again. Every time I think spring has arrived, my hopes are dashed by the arrival of another tempest.

These storms seem to mirror the ones within my heart. I spent last night in a complete dither. I allowed myself to get horribly, hysterically, out-of-proportionally upset about a seemingly small thing. You know how sometimes it only takes one small trigger to set off a maelstrom of emotion? Releasing weeks or months or years of frustrations or hurts? These outbursts make me feel like a completely ridiculous, hysterical woman. They make me feel like a failure.

I absolutely loathe being that woman. I try to deal with things as they come along and congratulate myself on being so in touch with my emotions and keeping things fresh and renewed. I like to think that I am mature enough that I don't allow past hurts to colour my present. I am a grown-up, don't you know? I am beyond that sort of thing. Most of the time.

I was hurt last night. I felt neglected and that I was viewed as being unworthy of the love and affection I so craved. This isn't a new feeling, but one that comes and goes with circumstance and resolve. At the time I wanted to feel justified in my hurt, so my heart dug deep to remember all the other times those feelings surfaced. It wasn't that hard to do. It fueled my despair and created a desire to lash out and throw barbs poisoned with remembrances of every slight I had received.

I am ashamed. I made the entire situation impossible. Impossible for me to come out of unscathed. I manufactured a situation where I was sure to be hurt in the same way again, 'proving' that I was right, that I was unloved. Lately I seem to go down this path and be unable to stop myself, my heart is black and blue within my chest and I seem intent on pushing on the bruises, instead of letting love bathe them and heal them.

I realize that a huge part of my extreme emotions are hormonally fueled. I am particularly sensitive to my hormonal fluctuations. I am knocked insensible by them every menstrual cycle and during and after every pregnancy. Maybe that is why I become practically hysterical over some seemingly small thing and am so overwhelmed by circumstance and life.

But I think also that this is a time of great change in our lives and I have always been resistant to change. I realize with my head that the future holds wonderful things, but going through the present and letting go of the past is proving more difficult (although easier in some ways) than I imagined. Parts of me want to hold onto the past, good and the bad as well. But the future cannot come to fruition without letting go. Without forgiving myself my missteps big and small, what should have or could have been. The time for making those choices has past, they were made and now I am here. I have new choices to make, new adventures to embark upon, new dreams to dream and some old dreams to reawaken.

Today I feel amazingly content and calm. When I am feeling hurt I have the need to hang onto that and not let everyone off too easy. I want it to be known that I won't be tread upon any longer. I seem to think that if I forgive too easily, even when the hurt is really my own fault, the other person will feel that it is okay to repeat it.

Well, once I was able to relax a bit this morning and let go and even give a bit of love, I felt so amazingly better. I have been able to just be present to my babies and relish every cuddle and kiss, every word spoken by beautiful little lips, every storybook brought to me by eager hands and ears.

Even with a storm raging outside I feel content in this moment. I want the spring to come, I eagerly await its warmth and promise, but with my Savior's help I can be content even in the middle of a tempest.

And contentment is not something that I have experienced much in my life, I have never allowed it. I do think that I believed contentment to be equal to settling. And settling equal to defeat. And I do not want to settle, I want to strive, I want to soar.
I have always had so many aspirations swirling around in my breast and have always been a bit afraid to let them out into the sunshine to look at them too closely. What if they never come to fruition? What if I try and fail? What if it is impossible? What if I am looked upon with laughter or pity or scorn? What if my partner won't dream with me? What if I am just not good enough? What if I am not enough?
I am not enough. Only God is enough. And he didn't give me a heart filled with dreams so that I can talk myself out of dreaming them and making plans to make them come true. He didn't give me a partner who shared my dreams at one point and then would never dream them with me again. The time may not be now for many of my hopes and aspirations, but the time I am in is now.
I have many good things in my life right now, I have a God-given purpose to fulfill right now. I can be content here and now in fulfilling my purpose to the best of my ability through him. And to make plans for the future without despair and fear of failure. He gives me hope and a place. I am here now. I can be content here, I really can. Why have I not seen this before?

I am so thankful for a place where I can let my heart and mind wander and race, where I can just hammer it all out on my keyboard and watch it unfold before me. It is often so much easier to see through a thing when you can write it all down and follow each thought through. Writing makes it so much easier to be logical somehow, often my head is so clouded with emotion that I can't follow my own thoughts, I just stop thinking.
I keep thinking that one day I will write posts with a plan and purpose, that I will read and edit and make them all logical and grammatically correct, but for now I will keep recording my thoughts and hope that they are not too difficult to follow. And I will one day look back upon my writings and see what a silly girl I was once but how that girl was growing and moving towards something better. Sometimes racing, sometimes crawling, but slowly and surely becoming the woman that God intended her to be.

14 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie, we seem to be having the same issues.

    I'm thinking of you.

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  2. What a beautifully written, thought provoking post!

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  3. Wow.

    Seriously.

    Wow.

    your words are exactly what I went throught today.

    Thank you for posting this.

    I am bookmarking this. So I can come back and read it without all the tears.

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  4. really incredibly well written.

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  5. as i read this i wondered how many other women were nodding their heads in agreement and i thought to myself...wow, this is so raw, and real...and such a huge gift to anyone who stumbles upon it who is feeling the same things.

    this was a VERY purposeful post...i hope you are able to recognize that...and know the gift that you are. i am sure He is well pleased!

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  6. I understand exactly where you're coming from. I've done the exact same thing so many times. I'm sorry you had such a rough day the other day.

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  7. The good ones are so good, but the bad ones? I've made peace with the idea that I will have bad days, bad nights, bad weeks, but I never like them. Tomorrow will be better.

    And thank you for both the compliment and the comment. The de-lurking is always appreciated.

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  8. Okay, so we have a radio host in the US named DrLaura..Schlessinger. She is kind of right wing and her sarcasm is not for the faint of heart. But, and this is a big but, if you were not well mothered you can learn and heal here. She has a book called Bad Childhoond Good Life and another one called Stop Whining Start Living....I am a lefty liberal, but I have been blessed and enormously influenced by this woman and her straight no nonsense approach. You can hear her on the web at www.drlaura.com
    You get to choose your life. You get to decide...(well after the crazy harmones subside a bit), what kind of life you will have. And knowing that is actually a great relief. You do not have to stay stuck in old patterns that make you unhappy.
    I hope this helps a little.
    And know that spring really is coming. I promise it hasn't been canceled this year. I live in Vermont. It finally just got here for real. And it is right on its way to you too....hang on,light some candles and take a hot bath and eat a little really dark chocolate....

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  9. I understand about hurt feelings and then digging deep to bring up all those 'other' times, dwelling on them. I have to make it a conscience effort to control my thoughts at those times.

    You have written a beautiful post. I think so many of us feel this way (at one time or another)

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  10. This is a very insightful post. You have an amazing grasp on your own motivations and struggles. That alone is progress and evidence of tremendous growth.

    I would only challenge your idea that you are not enough. I know you countered that with "Only God is enough", and I understand your meaning- But I would like to offer that I believe God DOES think you are enough. You are who He created you to be- in His image- and the only person He desires you to be is you. Now, I understand we are all limited as humans, and that was probably more your point. I just worry because I think one of the most common points of pain for women is constantly believing themselves to be "not enough." I just don't want you to forget how beloved you are, just as you are.

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  11. Kristen, you are already so far along on your path, with the insights you write about here, and in earlier posts.

    I think you are very, very hard on yourself. Your expectations to yourself are so high, it is to be expected that you occasionally slip up - especially, like you said, when you are caught in a whirlwind of pregnancy hormones.

    Please try to go easier on yourself. You can give your kids and your husband a break, don't you think you deserve one at times, too? Hug that inner child wanting to be loved.

    I really wish we lived closer, my friend. I would have loved a long chat over a cup of tea.

    Heidi

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  12. Please don't edit! I love reading what you write, straight from your heart. I envy that you can do it, that you can open yourself up to us in this way. I feel honoured and challenged by this nakedness of the spirit that you allow.

    Oh and I know exactly the feeling of which you blog...all I can say is...I know!

    Hugs!

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  13. Wow! This a beautifully written post! You've brought tears to my eyes. While I am sorry you felt hurt and upset, this is incredibly inspiring. Thank you for sharing!

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  14. Oh my friend, what a beautifully written, honest, touching post. My heart aches for your hurt, Kristen, and longs for something different right along with you. I, too, hate how emotional and discouraged and depressed I get over the smallest things. As I've gotten older, I just don't talk about those feelings as much. I've become a more private person, and I don't necessarily like that either. I loved the part you wrote about your purpose and how much you have inside you...your dreams and creativity, and then how you ended it with talking about moving toward becoming the woman God wants you to be. That is always my prayer too, and like you, I feel like I am just crawling towards it sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even moving at all. But I know God hears my prayer and knows my heart and my desires. That is such an encouragement. Thanks for writing and sharing this. I am always encouraged when I come here.

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