Thursday, April 26, 2007

My Baby would be 5 today

5 years ago, just after Christmas I discovered that I was going to have my 3rd baby. The moment I found out I flopped into my bed with my husband and cried. We had really come to the conclusion that we weren't going to have any more children, 2 was a great number! DH had been out of work for a bit, and we had no idea when he would work again, so the timing wasn't great either. We held each other and talked and he reassured me that God would take care of us, and he was so excited that we were going to hold another of God's blessings in our arms very soon.
By the next morning I was so excited about our new baby I spent hours pouring over baby name books writing down all the names I loved. I kinda thought we might have a baby girl this time, and the girl names stood out to me way more than any boy names. I knew her middle name would be Dorothy. That is my middle name, I was named after both my Grandmothers.
The boys were estatic when we told them they were gonna be big brothers. They jumped up and down yelling! Ryley was so thrilled that he was finally a big brother too, and Braeden was convinced that he was going to get to be compensated for Ryley being a boy by finally having a little sister.
One of the coolest parts of being pregnant this time was that 2 of my sisters were pregnant already! Ang was due first, 6 weeks later Hayley was due, and then 6 weeks later I was due. I went up to visit everyone and we had a blast being preggo together. I was 16 weeks by then and I felt my baby's stirrings for the first time. I could talk to her and feel her move within me. Daddy and I would sing to her, Away in a Manger, just like we did with her brothers before her. Actually the boys loved to cuddle up with me and hug my little tummy and sing to her too.
My dh is very brave and drove back to Calgary with Me, Ang, and Hayley, and the 3 boys. One man and three pregnant women and 800 km of highway! Brave or a sucker for punishment, lol. After numerous bathroom stops and snack breaks we got back to Calgary where my sisters and I shopped for maternity clothes and let our bellies lead us around. We spent tons of time talking about how fun it would be for our babies to grow up together and taking photos of them all together, and maybe even dressing them alike, lol.
I bought some really nice maternity clothes for the first time, the styles are so much better than with my first two babies. I wore this really sexy new top to my birthday dinner. All we could talk about was our new baby, and what our life would be like when she came.
At just about 18 weeks I went for my regular ultrasound. The boys came in and saw their baby sibling. She put her hand up by her mouth and looked like she was waving at them. So exciting!It seemed to be taking a long time, and the tech had a very serious demeanor. I was a little concerned. When she spoke to the Dr. and he came to talk to me after my kids and dh left, I was very worried. He told me that my baby had cysts in her brain. Benign cysts that are actually quite common and mean nothing if they are found in the brain of someone who is already born. But when seen in an unborn infant they are a soft marker for a trisomy. Down syndrome is a trisomy, so that is where I went in my head. The doctor told me I would have to come back in a few weeks for another ultrasound where they would hopefully be able to see more, and referred us to a genetic counsellor. I knew already that I would not have the amnio, as I would not risk the baby's life that way. I would have the baby no matter what could possibly be wrong with it. And the acual probability of there being an issue was smaller than the likelihood of amnio induced miscarriage.
I cried to think that my baby may suffer in any way. Balled and mourned. And then I went to the library to research. I read every medical journal article I could find on these cysts and anything remotely related to trisomies as well. What I read was reassuring as well as hard. The probability of something being wrong was very small, but if there was a trisomy it looked like it would not be down syndrome. It would be one of the other 2 most common trisomies, both of which were fatal either before or not long after birth. I really did not want to accept that. I took books out of the library on raising a child with Down Syndrome, educated myself on what to expect and what resources I would need to pull from. I kept pushing the thought that this baby would die out of my head. For me that was an unacceptable outcome.
I went back to my doctor for a checkup at just over 20 weeks. She was having a hard time finding the fetal heartbeat, but I wasn't worried as it had happened before. Then she said, "Oh do you hear that little echo in the background, I think that is it." She finished the checkup and said goodbye. Later that day the nurse called to tell me they had scheduled my second ultrasound. I had to go the next day, I told her that was not convenient, but she insisted saying the doc thought it was urgent. Weird, I thought.
This ultrasound was taking a very long time. The tech was consulting with the doctor the whole time. I am thinking, okay, they are seeing trisomy markers and want to be sure before they talk to me. Finally they asked me if there was anyone with me who could come in with me. I said my dh was there, but he had my kids. They brought him in alone. Then they told me that my baby had died. They had no reason, but she was dead just the same.
Slapped across the face with my nightmare of losing a child.

I apologize I have to finish this later. to much to write it all at once.


  1. heart goes out to you my friend. I am so sad you had to loose her and so wish we knew it other then so I could have been there for you!
    More hugs then my arms could give

  2. I'm remembering and grieving with you still my friend. The baby girl we never got to hold. Bless you and hug the other 4 tight today for me. Miss you!

  3. I was spellbound by your account of must have been the most difficult time for you ever. I am glad Shay and your family were around to support you then since we we're not friends yet. I would love to give you a big hug right now...

  4. Oh Kristen! I am so terribly sorry for your loss. What a beautiful story to share and educate others. It is very brave of you, my heart goes out to you and your beautiful family