Monday, March 16, 2009

Too tired for paragraphs.

Random thoughts:

My inner monologue voice keeps transitioning into King Julian's voice lately. I wonder what that says about me?
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Music is the only thing keeping me together some days. I absolutely can't wait to hop in the car and turn up the stereo and sing at the top of my lungs.
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I have realized that I am often whiny and selfish. Is me now being hyper-aware of this during every interaction I have, helpful in making a change, or does it just mean that I am completely self-absorbed?
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My Girly told me tonight that, "One thing that I really love is MY JEWELERY and MY TIARA!" Her tiara, the one that she wears every moment of every day. Everywhere. People get such a kick out of her strutting through the grocery store in her tiara. In the morning when she wakes up, she takes her tiara and her jewels out of the hat box she keeps them in, and immediately puts them on. Just before bed, she returns the jewels to their box for safe-keeping. She is 3. I am a little concerned.
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I am feeling conflicted at this exact second. I just put Zed to sleep in his own bed beside mine. Every night I battle with that decision. When he is snuggled up beside me, warm and sweet breath on my chest as I gaze upon his pale, round cheek and rose bud lips, I don't want to move him. But I know that when he is in my bed, I do not sleep. I will drowse and rest, but deep sleep does not come. When I put him in his own bed, my arms ache for him and my heart longs to hold him close. For most of the last week, I have kept him with me. But tonight I am utterly exhausted, I barely made it through bedtime with the kids. The reading aloud just about killed me. So I put my baby in his bed, hoping for sleep. And now? I want to rush over and scoop him up and wake him so that I can lay with him in my bed and have his eyes smiling up at me over my breast as he soothes himself into a milky stupor, and then feel his shallow breath on my skin as he drifts off to dreamland. without me.
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6 comments:

  1. That bejeweled girl will be a Cowgirl next or maybe a star firefighter. It's all good. I had one who was Batman for two whole years. He even stood up at his sister;s christening and shouted out to the whole church "I'm not Bendabin, I'm BATMAN!"

    I hope you and Zeb both got some sweet milky cuddles and even more sweet sleep....

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  2. I went through this with my youngest. I thinks its because I knew she would be my last baby. I would've cuddled her all night if I didnt have a job to get up to... or three other kids. But I could never sleep with the babies in the bed with me.

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  3. I totally understand about the baby cuddles. It took me a long time to not pull my little one into bed with us. But I was the same as you - never fully sleeping, always in that state of semi-awake. Hope you had a good rest!

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  4. That's so funny about the tiara! Very cute. It would brighten my day to see a little princess running around the grocery store.
    I hope you are able to sleep some!

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  5. The tiara: you're dtr is right. I think we all need to just start wearing tiaras wherever we go.

    I can see me in public now....
    "Oh, I'm sorry, were you commenting on my tiara? Well, how else is the world to know that I am to be treated as a princess???"

    No, seriously---your dtr is onto something...I may be sporting a tiara by the end of the week....they're pretty & fun.

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  6. Mother guilt...it seems to invade every pore/ every decision of our lives I think.....sigh.....but I think its very important for our children (our Daughters especially) to see that we value ourselves and our own place in this world. Tiredness sure doesn't help though ;)
    x

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