Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Alone?

So I am doing the single parenting while married thing again. Hubby was laid off a few weeks ago and we have been praying really hard for God's provision and for hubby to be able to stay home. The company that he had been working for called and said that they wanted to send him out of town to work, and since nothing else has come up, Brent left on Sunday to go up north.
I thought I would be fine. That I could handle it. God is here, he is taking care of me. But it is hard. I feel overwhelmed most of the time. It is so noisy here! And I can't sleep! and I have been having migraines. Last night I just wept, wishing someone would come and just hold the baby for a few minutes and give me a break. It has only been 3 days!
Sometimes the everyone needing me, every moment of every day, touching me, whining at me, climbing into my bed at 3 am, when I was finally drifting off to sleep, and then bickering with each other all day while I try not to blow my top and pull out my hair, gets to me.
(Speaking of hair, remember all that hair I lost? It is coming back. Grey. I have all these inch long, wiry, grey hairs sticking up all over my head. I had no grey at all until this last pregnancy. ugh.)
I feel a bit whiny, but this is where I am. I know it is temporary, I keep telling myself this. I know God will carry me. Us. I know there are so many women in the same spot, many of them for much longer and under much scarier circumstances, like those with spouses in the military. But I just want my hubby home. The last 6 months to a year have been an incredible time of growth for us, we are in a wonderful and hopeful place in our relationship and family and I want that to continue. God's blessings are so evident in our life, but I still get worried and scared sometimes.
Thank you God for your provision and abundant blessings and please bring my hubby home safe. Soon.
*edited to add:
Part of my difficulty in his absence is the realization that we are finally finding our rhythm together again. After years of his working out of town off and on; after years of heartaches and upheavals; years of trying to make a go of a business and then letting it go; after years of having babies and even losing one; after all this, I finally feel like we are on the same page, drawing together and drawing closer to God. Not that we have arrived, by any means. But that we are walking in sync, at the beginning of a new path and now we are separated. And I question the wisdom in this. Could this possibly be God's path for us or are we heading off on our own again? Are we letting God, or are we trying to fix it on our own.
It is one thing for me, I just have to stay here and take care of the kids. But what about my husband? The weight of these decisions weighs on him. He wants to be here with us, but he also wants us to have a roof over our heads and food to eat. He desires to walk in God's will, but to do that he has to act and trust that he is making the right decisions. And then he has me at home, crying on the phone and then he questions himself.
I think that by making the best of the opportunities presented to us, being present and open God's direction and remembering to rest in Him, we shall be fine. I need to stop struggling and start trusting.

16 comments:

  1. Oh, Kristen, I'm hugging you from here. I have a fit if my husband works too late, let alone leaving for a week or more! I'm so sorry!

    I'll be praying for you too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so sorry! I had no idea about the layoff. I'm sure it's hard to fuss when you're so thankful he has work. (Bob's company's been doing layoffs and furloughs a lot, so far he's been spared, but we are always worried when another late night email goes out.) Hopefully it will get better. You and the kids will get into some sort of rhythm and it will feel less chaotic. I hope it does! I'll be praying for you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Big hugs!!! I'm glad you're in a place of growth, a good place. Better that than he had left a year ago. God knows what He's doing, but it's not always comfortable. I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  4. And you changed the colors and banner of your blog. It really threw me for a loop.

    Sorry, just thought I'd say something totally off subject to try and lighten your mood. The fact that you're clinging to God's promises in the midst of this is inspiring to me. I know that I'm blessed to have a good job that allows my wife to stay home with the kiddos.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I struggle with discernment all the time. Is this me, or is this God? The fact that you and your husband feel so in sync though suggests to me that this is the right path for now. Although, it sounds terribly difficult.

    I admire your prayerful attitude and I wish I could come hold that baby for an hour or two for you. It's been long enough for me that a little baby time would be a delight! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sending hugs and more hugs your way. And I love the new blog layout.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So hard to know what direction you are being led in. Lots of prayer.

    ReplyDelete
  8. ...I wish I lived down the road from you.
    No---let's change that---I wish you lived down the road from me.
    I'd hug you & take your children to my house for a few hours, while you sipped tea & took a nap.

    Yes, it can be very overwhelming at times, I'm sure.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This was so good for me to read today. My husband travels quite a bit and some days I wish I could just run away (when he's gone!) And I less than half as many kids as you!

    Hang in there friend, your faith will carry you through, just as you said. And, we are here to listen! : )

    ReplyDelete
  10. I hope that it gets easier for you until you get home.

    When my hubby is gone and then comes home it makes me appreciate him so much more!

    Keep praying for that peace!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Even in your pain and frustration you encourage and challenge me, my friend! What a woman of God you are. I'm so excited to hear of the good things you and Big B have experienced this year. I'll be praying for you, for strength and patience and extra of everything. And for your hubby too.

    God is good even in this. Call if you ever need me. I'm so far away but I can pray and cry and listen (okay so I'm not the greatest listener but you know I do love you!)

    hugs!
    S

    ReplyDelete
  12. Im so sorry you're struggling. Our house has crazy schedules but nothing like what you have. You have lots of (((hugs))) coming from me= and trusting in God is the best answer.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You need a babysitter! Even for one morning. I suspect you want to save your money right now (like all of us) but this is NECESSITY. Trust me. Get someone to come in, a friend's nanny or a friend's nanny's friend -- maybe on a weekend. They can do the laundry, clean up, entertain the kids while you go out and just SIT at a coffee shop. It's what I do. It's what keeps me sane. OTHERWISE, remember you CAN take the day off from being perfect.... Turn on the TV for an extra hour.... i wish I could help you. I don't even have the answers for myself........ ((HUGS)) I'm always here for you, you know!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh how I wish I could hop a plane and come help. I know how hard it can be to make it alone and man, I wish I could help.

    Hang in there. You'll find your stride again. I swear.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I love you honey. I miss you and the kids alot. Syncrude still sucks and the camp is worse. I can't wait for the job to end so I can be home.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know I have said it so many times before....but I really really wish I didn't live so far away from you. Big hugs and I am so sorry you are going through a rough time right now.

    ReplyDelete