Did no one but me find it odd that I wrote a whole post about laundry yesterday, and I was freaking excited about it? Seriously. What is my life coming to?
To be honest, that post had very little to do with laundry. It had to do with me overcoming a monster that lives in my basement. One that rides my back daily and that I never feel like I am getting on top of. Lately my whole life has felt like that. Out of control.
I thought I was getting to a better, more settled place within myself. And in a lot of ways I am. But the externals are constantly weighing on me. Threatening to disturb my inner peace.
Am I the only one who, when completely overwhelmed by circumstances beyond my control, is tempted to just let the water flow over my head and sink? Who gets tired of fighting the same demons over and over again, especially when they are not even my own demons?
I have no problem dealing with the stuff I can do something about. The stuff that I can change. The issues within my own heart are, for the most part, manageable. Especially with a little prayer and soul searching. Other people's crap? The stuff that affects my life daily, but that I have no power to change? Makes me insane. I have done my best, but I am tired. I don't really want to fight anymore, it seems pointless.
All I can do is give it to God. Pray. Hard. And hope for the best. But hope can hurt me. It has in the past and I am tired of being hurt.
You know what I am realizing as I write this? That I have more power than I think. I can affect change. Change in my attitude can make a difference in all these situations. I can't really give up and give in. That is not within me, I am too strong. I am a fighter. I may give in for a day, or a very short season. Sometimes there is nothing left to fight with, no desire. But not forever. I love too much. I care too much.
If I continue to risk my heart and it is hurt, can I survive? Absolutely. I have survived the death of a child. I have survived heartaches in my marriage and my parent's divorce. I have survived depression and financial struggles that seemed insurmountable. Survived my own inner battles with the darkness I found in my soul. Survived, conquered and thrived. God held my hand and sometimes carried me through all those things. He will continue to do so. I can risk it all because He is holding me up and will carry me through. He can change my heart so that I can affect outward change without falling into bitterness and despair. I can't see the path to the result that I want. I have no idea what that will look like. But my God can, and that is enough.
I can't allow myself the indulgence of sinking under my burden, even when that seems the easiest thing. I must fight and God will give me victory. I have to believe that to be true.
This is in no way the post I set out to write this morning. I thought I was writing a slightly sarcastic view of mommyhood in the trenches and how funny it is that I now get excited about household chores and peeing in the toilet. But this has been weighing on my heart, these things that I never think I could possibly share here and whether I want them to or not, they come out. Whatever we keep in our hearts, shows its fruit in our lives. I guess I just needed to put it down in some form or another to work my way through it. I am just thankful for a supportive place to do that.