Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Today is a hopeful day

I am going to be brutally honest with you all. I haven't spoken a lot about my pregnancy here. In fact, I have had a hard time allowing myself to get excited about having a baby at all. I have been almost convinced, almost every day, that there was something wrong with my baby. That maybe it had died and my body was just playing tricks on my or something. I have had such terrible fear and anxiety almost constantly.

Every time I start to talk about when the baby comes or being pregnant, I stop myself. I think about the idea that there might be something wrong. Every time. I am pretty sure that I could feel little baby flutters last week. But I completely convinced myself that I was imagining it.

Until Monday night. I was laying there waiting for Brent to come to bed and I turned on my side and I felt it. I put my right hand to my tummy and pushed to make it easier to feel. There it was! My baby, dancing in my belly. When my husband crawled in beside me I told him and he put his hand by mine and he was sure he could feel it too. I am sure he couldn't possibly have felt the baby at this point, 16 1/2 weeks. But it was magical just the same. I tried so hard to believe in what I felt and not let the doubt creep in. It was really hard. By the next morning I was doubting more and all I could think of was to hold on until the ultrasound and then I would know.

I am not entirely sure why I am so apprehensive this time. Yes I had a stillborn baby almost 6 years ago. I did not know I was carrying a dead baby in my womb for, well maybe weeks. And carrying the Monkey boy after that was very scary. But even then I didn't feel like I do now. And with the Girly, I was way more easy going. It was a terrific pregnancy with only a bit more fear than usual. This time, it is crazy out of proportion.

A friend lost her baby at 34 weeks on November 1 of last year, I have been reading her blog and her mourning definitely brought a lot of my grief back to the surface. My heart just aches for her every day. But this does not account for my fears.

Well today I had an ultrasound. It was not as satisfying as I had hoped. Last time I was pregnant, there was a screen that I got to look at the whole time and I could hear that lovely shush sound of the baby's heart. None of those things happened today. I did finally get to sort of see the baby at the end, and I did see it's little heart beating! I did see it's little hands moving. So that was awesome. I know I have a living baby in my womb, growing and moving. I am so thankful!

When I asked the woman if my baby looked healthy, she paused and then said, "It looks like it has all it's parts." What? I am not sure what to make of that. I am trying to assume it means the baby looks fine. But it wasn't the most reassuring phrase.

She wasn't the most personable ultrasound tech I have ever had. And that would have been fine if she had been completely professional and not personal in any way. But that wasn't the case. I had asked about the sex of the baby and asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. I told her yes, I had 3 boys and a girl and I wanted to figure out where I was gonna put everyone. She said, "Well you will probably have the baby in with you for a while anyway."
"Yep."
"In my day, women didn't do that. This having your baby sleep in your room..."
Okay then. I wasn't sure how her opinion on that was applicable there, but whatever.

Anyway, I feel a bit better today, knowing my baby is alive and kicking. I have some pictures to look at and cherish, and I have little flutters and kicks to try to sit quietly and feel. I am hoping that as the baby grows and kicks harder that my anxiety will be relieved and pass from me. I am praying that God gives me comfort and faith that all is okay.

Oh, please click on over to Mommy Wants Vodka, where Aunt Becky is donating to baby loss charities in honor of her son's 1st birthday and friends who have experienced losses and is encouraging us to get involved.

edited to add: I did ask for the sex and she gave me a "it looks like you are having a ..." I am not ready to share that information yet. I want to at least wait til my 20 week and then I will see. I actually haven't even told my dh what she said;) Oh! and the tech was actually a doctor, so if she had seen something wrong, I am quite sure she would be free to tell me. When I was pregnant with Kalila, the Ultrasound doctor told me at my 18 week ultrasound about the cyst they saw in her brain and suggested genetic counseling and then it was the ultrasound doctor who told me that she had died a couple weeks later. My doctor had actually left it to them, rather than telling me that she couldnt' find a heartbeat. Now that it is a new day, I am sure all is well with my babe, or I would have been told.
Thank you all for you kind words and encouragement. I actually feel a bit better about it all in the bright morning light.

22 comments:

  1. So sorry that you are having anxiety over this pregnancy. The u/s techs can be really frustrating. They are not "allowed" to say anything, so anything they say can sound suspect ...of something. Thinking good thoughts for you!

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  2. I felt that way with my last two pregancies. I had a miscarriage right before Gracie (actually I wasn't pregnant my body just thought I was) Anyway, I was nervous with both girls, plus being over 30.

    When I went for ultrasounds I had the nurse turn the monitor so I could see. I felt much better after seeing them.

    Glad you feel a little better, just keep positive thoughts!

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  3. Big hugs! When I met Hubs I was wild and carefree, but since having kids I become more of a worrier daily - Hubs says I'm turning into his grandmother! I just think that being the mom is a responsibility of such magnitude it makes us all a little nuts...and being pregnant is in some ways the hardest part....we feel the responsibility, but we have so little of the control.

    xoxo Sarah

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  4. But Kristen I wasn't sure what you meant about the sex...did you want to find out, and if so, did you?

    In ON, the ultrasound technicians are really not allowed to say anything at all anymore...you have to wait for the report...that may have been why she wasn't willing to tell you anything.

    I had two missed miscarriages, and I so know the fear you are feeling. It is irrational, but absolutely all-encompassing. I ended up buying a Doppler monitor, so I could check the heartbeat myself...it calmed my nerves a little bit.

    Hang in there...once you are big enough to feel the baby 'for sure', things will be better :)

    Heidi

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  5. I'm sorry the ultrasound experience wasn't better. Did you find out the sex? They wouldn't tell us until I was more than 20 weeks.
    It's great that you felt the baby move! Whenever I was super stressed or worried late in my pregnancy, I always felt so much better after Little Elvis did some acrobatics.

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  6. Your anxieties are perfectly understandable. I'm so glad you got some relief from feeling the baby move.

    Will you go for another ultrasound to learn the sex?

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  7. The suspense is killing me, dude. But, I'll be as patient as I can be (read: not patient at all).

    I remember when I went in for my first OB visit with Alex, I had been having much trouble getting pregnant and was so very afraid of something Going Wrong (plus I have thyroid issues, which can complicate pregnancy if untreated). It was early, perhaps 5 or so weeks along and I bluffed my way into an ultrasound (being a nurse does have certain perks). In it, we saw a tiny gestational sac and nothing else.

    It was early, and I was terrified. THEN my doctor (whom I adore) told me that he'd be "praying for me" in regards to this pregnancy. Way to give me confidence, dude.

    It sounds to me like you (like me!) are suffering from some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder about this pregnancy. And I'm really sorry. It makes everything get put on hold until you have your baby.

    *hugs*

    (be sure to let me know what kindness--you know it doesn't have to be money-- you perform this week. I SO want to buy you something!)

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  8. I'm so sorry you're having such anxiety. I hope it helps you to talk/write about it. We'll all be sending positive vibes your way.

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  9. I'm so sorry you had such a bad tech. Sometimes they can be so uncaring.

    I am looking forward to finding out the sex.

    Do you have names picked out already?

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  10. Hi Mighty Mom,

    I just now noticed the comment you left on my blog and I have now spent a good long time reading bits of your own story. Please know how deeply I feel for your anxieties! I simply haven't wanted to take the time to write about EVERY emotion, but I do understand those feelings of "what if I ever have to explain bad news to everyone again." And the fact that you've had so many successful pregnancies since then doesn't change the fact that you are reminded. You are not crazy. I get it. I am SO glad you left me a comment. I was amazed at all we have in common, from our blog initials to your profile interests (makes me wish we could hang out IRL), to your subscription in heritage makers to our stories of love and deep loss. I will be praying for you and your precious new baby each time that you come to mind. And that you'll have sweeter techs to deal with from now on! I loved getting to "meet" you and find someone who else who gets it. I plan to visit your blog often

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  11. This is my first time visiting your blog, and I first want to congratulate you on your pregnancy. I'm really sorry that the ultrasound person was not very personable (I had that problem quite a bit with my pregnancy too). The good thing is that all is looking well - I can totally understand your nervousness though. I would feel the same way.

    I look forward to spending some time reading more of your blog, and I wanted to personally thank you for your donation to my walk. It is much appreciated!

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  12. Sounds normal to me. Just try to keep away from the things that would lead you to worry. Obviously, you have to put your trust in the one who is bigger than you (and that wasn't a pregnancy weight gain joke) to get through this.

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  13. oh sweetie I know...I remember...I wish I could say it's all gonna be okay.
    I'll be praying...and hoping and waiting to hear about each u/s. I can't believe you had one and didn't tell me!
    As soon as you tell Brent call okay??? Promise?!?!

    Love you always.

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  14. Wow that ultrasound Dr. didn't sound very personable. We were lucky in that our doctor does his own ultrasounds so any questions we had he could answer. Sounds like everything is normal and healthy though.
    I completely understand your worry and anxiety. I had that with my pregnancy after having a miscarriage.

    Seriously I prayed every single night that everything was going to go ok and be healthy but the thing that helped the most was accepting the idea that it really was out of my hands and the whole situation was going to go according to a plan. Not my plan but a definite plan so whatever was going to happen was going to happen.

    And everything turned out wonderfully.

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  15. I am sooo sorry you're feeling so anxious, sweetie. But I remember how it felt to feel the baby move and how exciting it was. It was one of the things that was the most special and intimate about being pregnant.

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  16. Congradulations on the pregnancy. I had the same anxiety and I have never experienced a stillbirth. I think a lot of moms know all that can go wrong and really worry about it. I know I did. Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog earlier in the week.

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  17. beautiful heart tugging post.

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  18. so sad you are having stress and that you are scared to get excited about your little bundle. You suffered a horrible loss and you have had 4 beautiful miracles, you will have another beautiful healthy baby.
    hugs and support for you always!!!!
    xoxoxoxo
    Y
    p.s better tell me when I call!!

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  19. I'm so sorry you're feeling anxious. It sounds like a perfect ultrasound and just a not-so-perfect ultrasound technician. I can't wait to hear the sex!

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  20. Light makes all the difference. Now that the weather's getting nicer, the days longer, etc., try to get out for some walks. It'll do wonders my friend. It's no wonder you feel anxious after all that you've been through. It's okay, too. :) Give yourself permission to feel all these things and go for a walk. ((Hugs))

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  21. I'm so totally there with you...we must be due around the same time - I'm 17 weeks on Tuesday. I felt the baby move for a week, and then had 2 days where I didn't notice it and completely freaked out - to the point that my husband cut a business trip short to come home and chill me out. I lost a daughter last July - we went to an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat despite her being fine the day before. I feel a lot like you - sort of holding my breath and afraid to talk about "when the baby comes". It's a constant act of replanting my feet and standing in faith - it has been the most challenging - and growing - experience for me as a Christian.

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  22. Oh, I so feel for you. I too went through the same thing. I wasn't supposed to even have little J, so something inside kept telling me, "Don't get used to the idea." Every flutter. Every kick. Every twinge. FEAR. In the end. There he was. So perfect. So mine.

    "There it was! My baby, dancing in my belly." Cherish that. Smile. Be happy. Enjoy this.

    I'll be thinking of you . . .

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