I am going to be brutally honest with you all. I haven't spoken a lot about my pregnancy here. In fact, I have had a hard time allowing myself to get excited about having a baby at all. I have been almost convinced, almost every day, that there was something wrong with my baby. That maybe it had died and my body was just playing tricks on my or something. I have had such terrible fear and anxiety almost constantly.
Every time I start to talk about when the baby comes or being pregnant, I stop myself. I think about the idea that there might be something wrong. Every time. I am pretty sure that I could feel little baby flutters last week. But I completely convinced myself that I was imagining it.
Until Monday night. I was laying there waiting for Brent to come to bed and I turned on my side and I felt it. I put my right hand to my tummy and pushed to make it easier to feel. There it was! My baby, dancing in my belly. When my husband crawled in beside me I told him and he put his hand by mine and he was sure he could feel it too. I am sure he couldn't possibly have felt the baby at this point, 16 1/2 weeks. But it was magical just the same. I tried so hard to believe in what I felt and not let the doubt creep in. It was really hard. By the next morning I was doubting more and all I could think of was to hold on until the ultrasound and then I would know.
I am not entirely sure why I am so apprehensive this time. Yes I had a stillborn baby almost 6 years ago. I did not know I was carrying a dead baby in my womb for, well maybe weeks. And carrying the Monkey boy after that was very scary. But even then I didn't feel like I do now. And with the Girly, I was way more easy going. It was a terrific pregnancy with only a bit more fear than usual. This time, it is crazy out of proportion.
A friend lost her baby at 34 weeks on November 1 of last year, I have been reading her blog and her mourning definitely brought a lot of my grief back to the surface. My heart just aches for her every day. But this does not account for my fears.
Well today I had an ultrasound. It was not as satisfying as I had hoped. Last time I was pregnant, there was a screen that I got to look at the whole time and I could hear that lovely shush sound of the baby's heart. None of those things happened today. I did finally get to sort of see the baby at the end, and I did see it's little heart beating! I did see it's little hands moving. So that was awesome. I know I have a living baby in my womb, growing and moving. I am so thankful!
When I asked the woman if my baby looked healthy, she paused and then said, "It looks like it has all it's parts." What? I am not sure what to make of that. I am trying to assume it means the baby looks fine. But it wasn't the most reassuring phrase.
She wasn't the most personable ultrasound tech I have ever had. And that would have been fine if she had been completely professional and not personal in any way. But that wasn't the case. I had asked about the sex of the baby and asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. I told her yes, I had 3 boys and a girl and I wanted to figure out where I was gonna put everyone. She said, "Well you will probably have the baby in with you for a while anyway."
"In my day, women didn't do that. This having your baby sleep in your room..."
Okay then. I wasn't sure how her opinion on that was applicable there, but whatever.
Anyway, I feel a bit better today, knowing my baby is alive and kicking. I have some pictures to look at and cherish, and I have little flutters and kicks to try to sit quietly and feel. I am hoping that as the baby grows and kicks harder that my anxiety will be relieved and pass from me. I am praying that God gives me comfort and faith that all is okay.
Oh, please click on over to Mommy Wants Vodka, where Aunt Becky is donating to baby loss charities in honor of her son's 1st birthday and friends who have experienced losses and is encouraging us to get involved.
edited to add: I did ask for the sex and she gave me a "it looks like you are having a ..." I am not ready to share that information yet. I want to at least wait til my 20 week and then I will see. I actually haven't even told my dh what she said;) Oh! and the tech was actually a doctor, so if she had seen something wrong, I am quite sure she would be free to tell me. When I was pregnant with Kalila, the Ultrasound doctor told me at my 18 week ultrasound about the cyst they saw in her brain and suggested genetic counseling and then it was the ultrasound doctor who told me that she had died a couple weeks later. My doctor had actually left it to them, rather than telling me that she couldnt' find a heartbeat. Now that it is a new day, I am sure all is well with my babe, or I would have been told.
Thank you all for you kind words and encouragement. I actually feel a bit better about it all in the bright morning light.