Thursday, December 04, 2008

Lucky Ducky

What a great week! I have won stuff from two of my favourite digital scrapbook sites! I won a Memory Makers journaling book from the blog and this fun kit from If you ever check out my layouts at Immortality Art, you would soon realize that I almost always scrapbook with stuff from these 2 sites, so I am totally psyched!

I was thinking about my nieces this morning. They are both six. My sister Angela got pregnant first, then six weeks later Hayley (whose son is the same age as Superboy) was pregnant. Six weeks after her, I got pregnant too. (An amazing feat considering I had only been ovulating once or twice a year for the eight years since my eldest had been born.) It was such a novelty to be pregnant together, I went up to visit them and we were fully immersed in our expectant states. I was about 16 weeks and felt Kalila's first movements as we preggo sisters sat together. She was saying hi to her cousins. Her belly buddies.

My sisters decided to come back to Calgary with us for a visit and to shop for maternity clothes. My poor husband had to make that 800km drive with 3 preggo ladies and 3 small boys. I am sure there were never more bathroom stops made on any road trip ever!

We spent our short days together shopping in maternity stores, playing card games and eating junk food. What's the point of being preggo if you can't get good and fat?!? At one store, the shop girls were quite taken with the 3 preggo sisters. They thought that I was the youngest (I am the oldest!) and more pregnant than I was, I was thrilled. I bought the very first pair of non-panel maternity jeans they had in the city, and a gorgeous wrap shirt that I have worn for the last 3 babies as well.

It was one of the happiest times of my life. I just knew that I was going to have my long awaited girl. And I had no inkling that my whole world would implode in a few short weeks.

They were still born at six week intervals. But Kalila was first, not last; dead, not alive. And instead of tears of pure joy attending all of their births, I cried bittersweet, mixed tears of joy and utter sorrow at each of their births.

I adore my nieces, neither of them are terribly patient with my affections, but if I could I would wrap them up in my arms for hours at a time. They were to be my daughter's bosom friends, her forever playmates, her cousins. All of us imagined the holidays we would spend together watching them play, seeing their triplet faces light up at the presents under the Christmas tree or covered in chocolate after the Easter egg hunt. We wondered how they would work out the problems of being 3, if one cousin would end up feeling left out. But one of them is missing. And her absense is always felt most keenly when we are all together. When there are 2 little girls, instead of 3.

I miss my daughter. I miss my nieces too. One of them, E, just lost her first tooth this week. I so wish I was there so that I could see her gap-toothed smile! E calls me Auntie Ducky, so named because of my rubber duck covered bath robe that I wore when she was small. A has already lost a few teeth and I missed those too. And I am reminded, in those darling, gap-toothed smiles, of my daughter and what might have been. A Christmas morning photo of 3, gap-toothed girls giggling by the tree.


  1. Two of my good friends were pregnant at the same time. One had a still born baby boy and the other had a very much live baby boy two weeks later. I know it was very hard on both of them for quite awhile, although they are still good friends. I often look at my friend's 4YO and think about his friend that he never knew, I can only imagine how much harder this is on the mother and you.

  2. i'm not sure what to type or say or what. i'm sorry. i'm at a loss for words. this story has me all choked up and crying. i can't imagine what you went through or what you still go through with loosing your daughter.

    i'm sure having your neices around is even more of a reminder and gives you some idea of what your daughter would be like right now, but i'm sure it is a blessing to be able to watch them grow and change as much as you get to see them. :)

    i'm sending you hugs!!

    PS i found your blog from over at Pregnantly Plump's blog. :)

  3. I'm crying with you right now. I think of her when I see your nieces too. This summer while A played with my girlies I really felt Kalila's absence.
    I love your heart Kris. It comes through in these posts especially, the tenderness and lack of bitterness speak to me of the woman of God you really are. You inspire me to be a better mom. Both E and A are very lucky girls to have such an Auntie on their side:)
    Hugs and love you loads!

  4. Isn't it odd to think of the situation one way, and then think of all that we've missed on another.

    Let me explain: On one hand, I think about our situation---this is the way it was meant to be; God planned this for us; for what reason, I do not know, but if it weren't meant to be, then this wouldn't have been a part of God's plan for us.

    And then---I think, this isn't fair, and I should have two children opening gifts under the tree this year, and I don't, and I can't ignore these feelings, and I can't pretend to understand why it is this way.

    I imagine that others feel this way too...and your post just kind of made me think about that....examining my own feelings about what is "meant to be"...and what that even means...

  5. *hugs*

    She's there in spirit, my friend. I know she is.

  6. HUGS.

    Our situation was a bit different, but just as we were experiencing our sorrow tow of my good friends announced their pregnancies - it is a hard situation to comprehend and make sense of - and I struggle with the bitter-sweetness of what seemed to me as a picture perfect delivery....

    HUGS. Sympathy. Empathy.

  7. Big hugs! My heart just broke for you reading that.

    I miscarried once at 10 weeks and my heart still aches for that baby that could have been. Especially with the holidays coming.

  8. You are amazing, and she is remembered. She's remembered by those who were waiting with such joy to meet her and by those who've met her through her beautiful mama. Thinking of you and Kalila, sweetie.

  9. Wow. Just Wow. I think that would most certainly be the true definition of "bittersweet." Hugs.

  10. Oh, it always makes me so sad when I here about your sweet girl and this story is heartbreaking to hear, but I am glad you have your sweet nieces to love and I love Auntie Ducky - too cute~!

    Take care, my friend.


  11. You told this story so poignantly--I can see those little girls myself.

    Take care.

  12. My twins would have had cousins close in age to them as well. Whenever we gather together, there are always moments they come to mind and I imagine their presence as I mourn their absence.

    My little 4 year old nephew is surrounded by girl cousins and I often think how much fun he and Joseph would be having together. And of course Molly would be right in the thick of things with the other girls.

    Thank you for sharing this. You remind me so much of myself and it is a blessing to have someone who understands so clearly how one can carry both joy and sorrow all at the same time.

  13. Well Aunt Ducky those girls are lucky to have you adoring them even if it is often from afar. That you remember your tiny little daughter with this beautiful love and joy and sadness is a tribute to you and the kind of mommy you are. What a beautiful and lucky family you are making up there in the northland...

  14. I just happened upon your blog this evening and I can only imagine your pain. As a fellow believer, I know you will see her again one day - of that you can be certain.

    Thanks for sharing your heart. You have a great blog. I will certainly be back.